Insomniac's Lullaby
by Kayson3259
Summary: Takes place during 5x24. It's what I feel should have happened between Spencer and Toby.


_**Author's Note: **This is a one-shot based off of the Ed Sheeran songs "Insomniac's Lullaby" and "Kiss Me". It's kind of sad, but the ending is happy. This is pretty much what I wanted to happen in the Spencer and Toby scene from 5x24. I took several liberties so...please suspend your disbelief :) Also, this is a birthday present for Sarah since she loves Ed Sheeran and Spoby. I really hope you enjoy it!_

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**Insomniac's Lullaby**

"And honestly, it felt really good to be with somebody that wanted to be with me." A slight pause. "Something Toby hasn't wanted since he put on that stupid uniform. . ."

The room was uncomfortably silent for the next several moments. Emily didn't even know what to say. She had the most subtly disappointed look on her face as she stared at Spencer.

There was a knock on the door. Both girls focused their attention on the nearest door. Toby was standing outside sans uniform. Spencer felt her heart skip a beat (and not in the good way). Emily got up to get it without even asking Spencer's permission. In some strange way, she felt obligated to help her friends.

Toby stepped in and stared at Spencer for a few moments before greeting Emily. Emily assessed the situation for a few moments before making up her mind to leave. "Well, I have a chem test tomorrow so I should probably get home and start studying," she said as she picked up her backpack from off of the couch. "I'll see you tomorrow, Spence."

"Bye, Emily," Spencer said weakly as she focused her attention on Toby. Although she was upset with him and perhaps a little angry, she couldn't help but feel extremely guilty for cheating. Toby had his faults, but he hadn't betrayed her like that.

"Can we talk?" he asked with a certain softness in his voice she hadn't heard in quite some time.

She took a deep breath. "What do you want, Toby?" she asked as she avoided looking into his eyes.

"I just want to talk."

She failed at suppressing a cynical laugh. "You haven't wanted to talk in weeks." There was so much more she wanted to say—out of fury, resentment, and ache—but she kept quiet because at the end of the day, she loved him.

He hesitated, not knowing what to say. "I—I didn't know what to do," he confessed meekly.

"You could've said something—anything!" she exclaimed. "You were ignoring me and. . .God, Toby, you made me believe that you didn't want me anymore," she said as she brushed past him, still avoiding eye contact. "And now I want to ignore you because I'm starting to think maybe I bore you or you're not interested or that there's someone else—"

"Spencer, there could never be someone else!" he interrupted. "The only person I have feelings for is you." He added a moment later, "The only person I've _ever _had feelings for is you. Why would you say something like that?"

"Because maybe I have!"

It became deathly silent in the room and Spencer felt her blood chill. Toby wanted to interrupt the silence by asking a question he feared the answer to. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping this was some horrible dream she'd soon wake up from. "I want to say that it's you—it's all your fault I ever did any of those things that I regret—but it's mine. It's all mine, not even for being unfaithful, but for thinking all those things of you. . ." She was growing hazier and vaguer with each passing word and Toby had trouble keeping up with any of them following her revelation.

"What are you talking about?" he had to ask.

She finally gathered the courage to turn around and faced him. Instantly, she wished she hadn't. His sad, sensitive blue eyes were pleading for the truth. "I kissed Jonny a few weeks ago. Well, technically, he kissed me." He stayed still, but the same eyes told a different story. "It was the night you arrested him and I was upset for no good reason and I didn't kiss him back but I didn't do anything to stop him. . ." she trailed off. "And it gets worse." Toby could have sarcastically responded how it possibly could get any worse, but he didn't want to ask. Spencer went on with her explanation anyway. "When I went to London, I went out with Melissa's roommate, Colin. It wasn't a date. He had an extra ticket to go see _Hamlet_ and we went out for drinks after. When we got back to Melissa's flat, he kissed me and I kissed him back. We didn't do anything else, but—it's bad enough."

Before either could come up with a reply, there was a sharp rustle of trees outside and a clap of thunder. The lights went out with a flash of lightning. She sighed loudly at this inopportune inconvenience. Spencer would have gone down to take a look, but in all honesty, the thought of being alone in her basement had given her the creeps ever since A made their presence painfully well-known in her life. She looked in one of the kitchen drawers and pulled out a tea candle and a box of matches. It was a small amount of light, but it was better than nothing.

Her porcelain face was half in light and half in darkness. It seemed like there was still something hiding under the surface and he wanted to know what it was.

"What else?" he asked finally.

She looked up at him for the first time. "What do you mean? I've told you everything!" she responded with anger laced in her words.

"I don't doubt that you've told me everything that happened, but what are you feeling?" He clarified, "What are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling like you don't even care anymore!" she exclaimed. Suddenly, the anger in her words turned into fear and self-doubt. There was something very desperate in her voice. "I really—" Her voice caught in her throat. "I really wanted this to work. And now—look at us. We're broken," she announced in the smallest of voices. "I loved you—love you—and now you're ruining the best thing I ever had," she said barely-audibly as she looked down at her hands.

"Have," he insisted as he came closer and touched her hands. He gently laced her fingers in his. "The best thing you have. The best thing I have, too."

She stared at their intertwined fingers for a few moments before extricating herself from him. "I don't doubt that you ever loved me or that you loved me now but sometimes love just isn't enough," she responded evenly.

"Spencer," he began to protest. He stopped himself. She felt her heart drop a little bit. She really felt like he was going to get up and walk away and she wondered if she'd hate herself forever for it. "I know I haven't been treating you right. I'm sorry." There were moments of silence—excruciatingly long moments—as what he just said set in. "I'm sorry. I was wrong and I should have been better to you. . ."

She shook her head as she tried to think of everything. The unbearable guilt—that guilt which had kept her up at night—settled down on her. It was like she could feel the weight of those kisses on her back now. He continued talking, though she was only half-listening. "You just mean too much to me for me to let you just walk away. I know I haven't been treating you like that lately, and I should have. But I just can't think. . ."

His voice faded off and she felt herself getting sick. She bent over in an attempt to make herself get lightheaded—anything to get her out of this misery of hearing him apologize when all he was really trying to do was protect her.

"Toby," she interrupted as he was in the middle of his soliloquy. "Just stop talking," she pleaded. "You have nothing to apologize for. It's me. It's all me. I've just—I've been stupid and reckless and careless and. . . ." She laughed cynically. "I miss us. I miss classic us. I miss the people we were half a year ago. Now, everything has changed so much and I really hate it." She felt like she was on the verge of tears. She still loved him. She just missed what it was like when they were both more carefree. "I don't even feel like me anymore and you don't feel like you, either. I've been losing sleep over things I can't control like college and Mona's murder and Alison and. . .I hate it so much. It's pulling me apart from my friends. It's pulling me away from you." Even her words didn't feel like they were making any sense. They felt like paste in her mouth. "I've understood for the first time what people say that high school is a never-ending cycle of 'I just have to get through this week.' I never even smile anymore." She felt the tears slide down her face. "And I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I'm a mess. I don't even know why you still want to be around me; everything is wrong. I backed you into a corner and I'm still barking at you all the time—"

"It doesn't matter to me."

"It matters to me!" she answered sharply. Her tone softened. "And here I am, yelling at you again."

His eyes brightened and he looked like he was smiling. "I love you for it," he said. "Spencer, you know I love you, right?" She nodded. "I love you even when you yell at me. I love you even when you're nosy. I love you when you won't leave things alone or let them go." Something in his eyes darkened slightly. "I can't just forget what you did, but I can forgive and forgiveness is the final form of love. In time, it's going to disappear and it's not going to matter—especially since I have no intentions of walking away from you anytime soon." The four-letter word that began with an H was making its way into Spencer's brain. "I don't care if you ignore me or you yell at me or you ice me out. That's probably a mistake on my part, but I love you too much to dwell on those things. I'll keep on forgiving you for everything wrong that you do because that's just how I feel about you."

It made her so incredibly happy to hear that. Before she could respond, the light turned back on in the house. She saw now for the first time that there were tears in his eyes too—something she could not see in the darkness. She tore her eyes from him as she leaned down to blow out the candle. "Don't," he insisted. She looked confused. He walked over to the light switch and turned off the lights. "Let's just stay in the dark. I—we have a lot to make up for."

She decided that she liked that idea better and grabbed him by the hand as he walked up to her. They didn't kiss, but he pulled her into a warm embrace and she felt comfortable again. Since she was so much shorter, she could press her ear against his chest and hear his heartbeat. She pressed her lips against his chest over his heart. Without thinking much of it, she pointed her feet slightly so she could press her lips against hi neck. It was not a sensual gesture, but a very tender and sweet one. She felt like she wanted to hold onto this moment forever—though she knew she wouldn't; just like all the sweet nothings he'd murmured into her ear in the past or the gentle kisses they'd shared, this would become a muddled mess in her memory—if such a thing were to exist. She pulled her lips away and touched her forehead to his, closing her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, she was staring into his. There was something amazingly new and fresh about his eyes, like they'd just gone back to the start of this beautiful disaster.

She kissed him finally. At first, it was something very innocent, but it suddenly turned passionate and desperate.

"Did you kiss them like that?" he asked a bit playfully.

Spencer's heart hurt for a few seconds before she smiled and shook her head. "There's only one person I ever want to kiss like that."

They both walked over to the couch and lay down. She settled right beside him and she pulled the blanket over the both of them. She finally felt like she had her safe place back. She was the one to entangle her fingers in his. They fell asleep intertwined like this.

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_I hope you all enjoyed it, and more than anything, I hope Sarah enjoyed it since it's the only birthday present I can really give her. If you liked it, please leave a review! I'd really appreciate it. **-Kayson**_


End file.
